A self serving post

This post is self serving but as an exercise in catharsis it is what I need to do so please hang in there with me.

In the last few days I have come to realize that while I am still feeling positive that the double mastectomy was the right choice and that moving forward with chemo as the next salvo in eradicating this cancer is essential I have underlying feelings that are really confusing me.

Despite knowing all of the things that lead us to believe that the outcome for Heather will be a good one I have been experiencing some situational anxiety and, yes I will add, depression. I just don't feel right. This is not normal for me and I hate it.

I am worried about Heather and the pain she is in. I worry about the coming chemo course and how that will affect Heather physically. I worry about the kids; not that they aren't well cared for by Heather and I and all of the helping hands but that they too are worried about their Mom and don't really know how to express it. I worry about the big kids too because I know they are worried.  I worry that some day Heather may miss her breasts. I'm scared too. Scared about all of the things I'm worried about. Heather and I are supposed to have a long and happy life together and we fecking better. 

For years as a Social Worker I was always on the other side of this. Discussing life and death issues with my patients and their families. Young people with bright futures that suffered devastating spinal cord injuries, head injuries, or both. Older individuals who had become dependent on ventilators or lost limbs or suffered multiple trauma. All these things lead to major life changes for all involved and I was charged with helping them explore their feelings and provide them with the tools to become as functional as possible in their new realities.

Thankfully I have been talking to Heather about this and she so wisely reminds me that it is ok to be upset, fearful, afraid. Good...because I am. I am working on allowing myself the opportunity to feel these things, experience them, and talk about them as a mechanism to bring into balance my ability to look forward positively and accept the fact that there is a scary side to all of this and it is ok to acknowledge it.

So if you ask me how I am doing you may not get the quick and easy answer you might have hoped for! I feel better. Thanks for listening now and in the future. Keeping you abreast of my feelings.....Mark