Heather's knight? NOT! Court jester maybe. 🃏

Yes Heather has received her last chemo treatment.  Yes she is feeling the worst she has ever felt right now.  No....Mark doesn't fully get it.

I feel awful.  After years of studying human behavior and becoming a Social Worker you would have thought by now that, even though I left the profession in 1998, I might have a better handle on the emapthetic approach to understanding my wife, her disease process, and the tremendous struggle she is going through both emotionally and physiclly right now.  Boy have I been wrong.

I have been blinded so much by optimism that I have not let myself experience the here and now which would bring me to the realization that Heather has been under so much pressure to coordinate the boys' 5th birthday (12/23), do all the planning and purchasing for Christmas, not just for our immediate family but for everyone in our family as a whole, all the while feeling like absolute shit and not trying to impose that burden on anyone else.  (Me)

Heather is at her lowest of lows right now physically and emotionally.  The good thing is that we know it will only get better from here as the chemo effects wear off, she starts feeling better, and heads back to work on 12/30!  None of this diminishes the fact that she does not want this to be the season of Heather's cancer.  So she has been trying so very hard to make this the perfect 5th birthday for the boys, and the best Christmas for the kids, and I have totally missed the boat.

I have been approaching the birthday and Christmas very leisurely and figured it would be a "take it as it goes" thing.  Wrongo!  It is so much more than that and I realized that today.  Heather is exhausted.  she has been stressing about making these events "normal" and I didn't get it.  

We were able to pull off the boys' birthday, though an evening early, since we were lucky enough to have Micaela and Jackie here with us.  Micaela made the boys a cake then she and Jackie took all three kids to see Despicable Me 2 while I put bikes together. When the kids got home the bikes were waiting.  The boys were thrilled and even though we had two different bikes they talked to each other joyfully and actually traded bikes so they were both very happy.  That's good parenting right there and I am so thankful that we had the opportunity to have that moment of pure joy and brotherly love.

The kids went out and rode their bikes then we had dinner, had cake, and watched a movie. (Elf...of course!)  Then it was off to bed for the kids. Heather went to bed soon after that.  She really does feel awful.

Christmas will be great.  I have no doubt.  Heather has worked hard through her crappiness to make sure everyone is happy and I know they will be.  I will be mindful of that when I see the happy faces as we celebrate Christmas and know that it is so because of Heather and her perserverance over the last several weeks to make this holiday as joyous and normal as possible.

My point to all of this is that I have only really been taking care of the daily grind.  Heather early on called me her knight.  Unfortunately I believe that I fell off of my horse early and have allowed myself to be dragged along with one foot in the stirrup....always a few steps behind emotionally.  The bumpy ride (drag) has made me wisen up and as we approach radiation and reconstruction over the next several months I vow to climb back up on that damn horse and give Heather the full support that she needs in the here and now.  Today.  Everyday.  I can not even begin to comprehend what she is going through as an individual, a wife, daughter, and mother.  I wish I could but I can't but I will try my best from this day forward to do just that.  Better late than never.

I am so thankful that Heather has so many friends that have been supporting her through this journey.  I can't thank you enough for providing her with the love and support that you have given her despite your busy lives.  We are truly blessed.

Heather is an amazing woman.  I knew that the day that I met her in February of 2003 and I knew I couldn't let her get away.  She can't get rid of me now so we will be riding off on that horse into the sunset together!  Yes...cheesy I know but that is the role of the jester.  Thank you and....good knight!

Sarcasm isn't just for the smart...

Last week was a heck of a week. This most recent round of chemo was by far my toughest yet. We managed to get the itchiness under control with generic Zantac - who knew?!  I also have meds to control the aches and pains but boy do I become a space cowboy.  I rounded out my week with 2 doctors appointments. 

The first appointment was with a genetic counselor. Initially I was told not to bother but once my mom was diagnosed I was told I might want to think about it. We went through my family history with the counselor and although there isn't anything really striking there is still a possibility of a mutation. So we are having them run the test. 

There are two reasons to find out if I have a genetic mutation.  The most obvious being the possibility of passing the mutation on to my children. But there is actually a second and, in the short term, more important reason - to decide whether or not to have my ovaries removed. If I do carry the mutation on the, now famous, BRCA1 and/or BRCA2 genes, then I have an increased risk of ovarian cancer. Now we just don't have the time or patience for that business! 

So now we wait. We should have those results in about a month or so. We had the option to have them test a bunch of other somewhat random genes but according to the counselor they wouldn't know what to tell us about mutations on most of those genes and Mark and I agreed we would spend way more time wondering and worrying and researching them then was good for us. So it's just the BC screening for now. 

The second appointment was our introductory appointment with the radiation oncologist. As most of you know, I work for the Cancer Institute at the local children's hospital. As part of a project I was working on - I was given a 'behind the scenes' tour of a new unique radiation therapy facility. So I have a decent understanding of how this works. The main thing I wanted to get out of this appointment was the timing of everything. I got a lot more then that!  

My radiation oncology (radonc) doc is fantastic - he is well respected in his field and his expertise is in treating breast cancer. I also really liked him. He explained things really well and even showed us pictures. I got to see the CT of my abdomen which was pretty cool. Then there is all the not fun stuff...

The radiation is going to cause scarring on my heart and lungs. Luckily the cancer was in my right breast so that reduces the amount of damage to my heart because of the heart's position in the chest.  I'm not going to be buying lottery tickets on that luck though.  I've never been a smoker so the impact to my lungs shouldn't really be noticeable to me. 

In addition to my chest wall and the lymph nodes under my arm (all on the right side), they will irradiate the lymph nodes under my clavicle and behind my breast bone. Most people don't get the added joy of having the breast bone, or internal mammary, lymph nodes (treated.  I get the added joy because I'm youngish and my cancer was throughout my entire chest. In most cases they can detect cancer in the lymph nodes under your arm based on how they look; of course in my case, they looked perfectly healthy until the pathology was done. For those reasons they worry that I could have some cancer hiding out in those internal mammary lymph nodes. Apparently they are quite nasty to get to so they don't remove any during a mastectomy. So a little extra radiation it is. 

I also learned that women who are diagnosed at a young age (which I am actually considered for these purposes) generally have a much more aggressive form of breast cancer. However, I am lucky because my cancer is not one of the most aggressive kinds (Yeah for me?!). 

He also told me I need to leave my port in through radiation "Just in case" - ugh!  Ok so I don't want to have surgery again to put it back in but I also don't want to think about the 'just in case' scenarios. 

On that note - radiation should start mid-January depending on how I'm feeling. I will get 30 doses which should take 6-7 weeks. 

I think the Taxol is making me extra sarcastic and just a little grumpy. Stupid chemo! But only one more left - yippee!! 

Love you all - thanks for all the love and support!  Hbomb