Back in the saddle

New Year's Eve was my first day back to work. I was supposed to return the day before but managed to pick up a nasty little cold over the weekend and was not my best self on Monday. Not that I was anywhere near my best self on Tuesday but at least I was functional. 

I have not been to work in 5 months and 1 week. That's not to say I've been completely disconnected. I have tried to keep up with email and I have had many opportunities to catch up with my co-workers but I haven't really been working. So I have to say that my first day back was very disorienting!  Just walking from my car to my office had me seriously out of breath - which was a bit unexpected but probably shouldn't have been. I guess when you spend 5 months sitting on a couch you get a bit out of shape. Hey I did go down 6 flights of stairs and up 1 along the way (totally trying to justify) :)

The weirdest thing was the odd sense of time warp I experienced. Things that happened 6 months ago felt to me like they occurred a month ago. I started to find it a bit amusing when I would start to say something about last month and realize it was last summer - oops. The best part is that we hired a new employee who started on Monday. So here is disoriented me trying to teach the new kid about his brand new job. I'm just hoping I didn't confuse him too much. 

I made it through the day and didn't really get much done but I suppose what I did get done will be that much less I have to do tomorrow. 

It was an exhausting day. I was there a little too long for the first day back (and with a yucky cold) and I paid the price. This girl did not get anywhere near midnight. I slept a good 12+ hours last night (thank you my dear sweet husband). I spent today feeling like I was hit by a personal trainer on steroids.  But I am back in the saddle and glad to return to a more normal routine. 

Last chemo and the end of phase 2 of my treatment....

I have to admit that as far as the day I received my last chemo treatment goes - it was pretty unexciting. It was actually an unusual day in that it was a Monday instead of a Friday so I had a different cast of characters and it was a much longer day. I missed having my usual chemo nurse, Robin - she took care of me for half of my appointments. All of the nurses are great but apparently I like the consistency. I enjoyed getting to know her a little more each visit.  So I was a little sad that my last treatment didn't include her. She did come by and say hello but it's not the same. It was very quiet in the chemo room which also seemed out of the ordinary - there is a lot more activity on Fridays.  The funny thing is that even though it was a quiet day my treatment still took longer. In the end I had to send Mark home and have a very sweet co-worker bring me home. (The benefits of working just across the street and having awesome co-workers is that I can find help easily). 

That's not to say I wasn't a little excited. I was!  But as Mark said it won't feel like it's over until I get through all the side effects. 

And what side effects they have been!  Round 7 of chemo was really rough but compared to the last round.....  I know that I said Taxol was supposed to be easier but apparently I'm not one of those people. Just imagine the worst flu you've ever had. I don't mean the stomach flu - I mean the flu you get a shot for each year to protect against. So I didn't have the stuffy nose, cough, or fever but everything else applied in extra amounts to make up for it. In addition, I think the Taxol messes with my emotional state a a well. Sorry to my family. Luckily I started on the upswing sometime Christmas Eve - so although I didn't feel like a superstar on Christmas Day, I did feel good enough to enjoy it tremondously, thanks to a loving, attentive spouse and some awesome and funny kids. 

In retrospect....

As I entered into his phase of chemo I had developed some sense that although not fun the whole chemo thing wouldn't be too bad.  I had brief conversations with people who had worked all through their chemo treatments and the doctors and nurses had all talked about how the new drugs made such a huge difference with the side effects that I should be able to live my life as if chemo was just something else going on.  I have to admit - maybe I'm a wimp but - I'm really glad I didn't work during chemo. All the anti-nausea and vomiting meds did keep me from being sick to my stomach and losing weight during the process and I am thankful (at least for the not being sick to my stomach all the time). But the other symptoms are not fun either. 

I still love chemo and I still don't like it!

Heather's knight? NOT! Court jester maybe. 🃏

Yes Heather has received her last chemo treatment.  Yes she is feeling the worst she has ever felt right now.  No....Mark doesn't fully get it.

I feel awful.  After years of studying human behavior and becoming a Social Worker you would have thought by now that, even though I left the profession in 1998, I might have a better handle on the emapthetic approach to understanding my wife, her disease process, and the tremendous struggle she is going through both emotionally and physiclly right now.  Boy have I been wrong.

I have been blinded so much by optimism that I have not let myself experience the here and now which would bring me to the realization that Heather has been under so much pressure to coordinate the boys' 5th birthday (12/23), do all the planning and purchasing for Christmas, not just for our immediate family but for everyone in our family as a whole, all the while feeling like absolute shit and not trying to impose that burden on anyone else.  (Me)

Heather is at her lowest of lows right now physically and emotionally.  The good thing is that we know it will only get better from here as the chemo effects wear off, she starts feeling better, and heads back to work on 12/30!  None of this diminishes the fact that she does not want this to be the season of Heather's cancer.  So she has been trying so very hard to make this the perfect 5th birthday for the boys, and the best Christmas for the kids, and I have totally missed the boat.

I have been approaching the birthday and Christmas very leisurely and figured it would be a "take it as it goes" thing.  Wrongo!  It is so much more than that and I realized that today.  Heather is exhausted.  she has been stressing about making these events "normal" and I didn't get it.  

We were able to pull off the boys' birthday, though an evening early, since we were lucky enough to have Micaela and Jackie here with us.  Micaela made the boys a cake then she and Jackie took all three kids to see Despicable Me 2 while I put bikes together. When the kids got home the bikes were waiting.  The boys were thrilled and even though we had two different bikes they talked to each other joyfully and actually traded bikes so they were both very happy.  That's good parenting right there and I am so thankful that we had the opportunity to have that moment of pure joy and brotherly love.

The kids went out and rode their bikes then we had dinner, had cake, and watched a movie. (Elf...of course!)  Then it was off to bed for the kids. Heather went to bed soon after that.  She really does feel awful.

Christmas will be great.  I have no doubt.  Heather has worked hard through her crappiness to make sure everyone is happy and I know they will be.  I will be mindful of that when I see the happy faces as we celebrate Christmas and know that it is so because of Heather and her perserverance over the last several weeks to make this holiday as joyous and normal as possible.

My point to all of this is that I have only really been taking care of the daily grind.  Heather early on called me her knight.  Unfortunately I believe that I fell off of my horse early and have allowed myself to be dragged along with one foot in the stirrup....always a few steps behind emotionally.  The bumpy ride (drag) has made me wisen up and as we approach radiation and reconstruction over the next several months I vow to climb back up on that damn horse and give Heather the full support that she needs in the here and now.  Today.  Everyday.  I can not even begin to comprehend what she is going through as an individual, a wife, daughter, and mother.  I wish I could but I can't but I will try my best from this day forward to do just that.  Better late than never.

I am so thankful that Heather has so many friends that have been supporting her through this journey.  I can't thank you enough for providing her with the love and support that you have given her despite your busy lives.  We are truly blessed.

Heather is an amazing woman.  I knew that the day that I met her in February of 2003 and I knew I couldn't let her get away.  She can't get rid of me now so we will be riding off on that horse into the sunset together!  Yes...cheesy I know but that is the role of the jester.  Thank you and....good knight!

Sarcasm isn't just for the smart...

Last week was a heck of a week. This most recent round of chemo was by far my toughest yet. We managed to get the itchiness under control with generic Zantac - who knew?!  I also have meds to control the aches and pains but boy do I become a space cowboy.  I rounded out my week with 2 doctors appointments. 

The first appointment was with a genetic counselor. Initially I was told not to bother but once my mom was diagnosed I was told I might want to think about it. We went through my family history with the counselor and although there isn't anything really striking there is still a possibility of a mutation. So we are having them run the test. 

There are two reasons to find out if I have a genetic mutation.  The most obvious being the possibility of passing the mutation on to my children. But there is actually a second and, in the short term, more important reason - to decide whether or not to have my ovaries removed. If I do carry the mutation on the, now famous, BRCA1 and/or BRCA2 genes, then I have an increased risk of ovarian cancer. Now we just don't have the time or patience for that business! 

So now we wait. We should have those results in about a month or so. We had the option to have them test a bunch of other somewhat random genes but according to the counselor they wouldn't know what to tell us about mutations on most of those genes and Mark and I agreed we would spend way more time wondering and worrying and researching them then was good for us. So it's just the BC screening for now. 

The second appointment was our introductory appointment with the radiation oncologist. As most of you know, I work for the Cancer Institute at the local children's hospital. As part of a project I was working on - I was given a 'behind the scenes' tour of a new unique radiation therapy facility. So I have a decent understanding of how this works. The main thing I wanted to get out of this appointment was the timing of everything. I got a lot more then that!  

My radiation oncology (radonc) doc is fantastic - he is well respected in his field and his expertise is in treating breast cancer. I also really liked him. He explained things really well and even showed us pictures. I got to see the CT of my abdomen which was pretty cool. Then there is all the not fun stuff...

The radiation is going to cause scarring on my heart and lungs. Luckily the cancer was in my right breast so that reduces the amount of damage to my heart because of the heart's position in the chest.  I'm not going to be buying lottery tickets on that luck though.  I've never been a smoker so the impact to my lungs shouldn't really be noticeable to me. 

In addition to my chest wall and the lymph nodes under my arm (all on the right side), they will irradiate the lymph nodes under my clavicle and behind my breast bone. Most people don't get the added joy of having the breast bone, or internal mammary, lymph nodes (treated.  I get the added joy because I'm youngish and my cancer was throughout my entire chest. In most cases they can detect cancer in the lymph nodes under your arm based on how they look; of course in my case, they looked perfectly healthy until the pathology was done. For those reasons they worry that I could have some cancer hiding out in those internal mammary lymph nodes. Apparently they are quite nasty to get to so they don't remove any during a mastectomy. So a little extra radiation it is. 

I also learned that women who are diagnosed at a young age (which I am actually considered for these purposes) generally have a much more aggressive form of breast cancer. However, I am lucky because my cancer is not one of the most aggressive kinds (Yeah for me?!). 

He also told me I need to leave my port in through radiation "Just in case" - ugh!  Ok so I don't want to have surgery again to put it back in but I also don't want to think about the 'just in case' scenarios. 

On that note - radiation should start mid-January depending on how I'm feeling. I will get 30 doses which should take 6-7 weeks. 

I think the Taxol is making me extra sarcastic and just a little grumpy. Stupid chemo! But only one more left - yippee!! 

Love you all - thanks for all the love and support!  Hbomb

Last lap!!!

We are in the final stretch of the chemo 8 World Cup race to a cure!  7 laps down and one to go.  The final lap should be completed on 12/16/13 and Heather WILL be the winner!

Stay tuned for the final analysis and then it's on to the next race which is a 7 week radiation race commencing sometime in early 2014....date to be determined soon.

Thank you for watching and cheering Heather on.  You are our pit crew.  Not that you are the pits.  Yeah....you know what I mean. 😃

I Love chemo!?!

Let me start by saying that the Mountel/McBryan clan has had lots of things going on in the last month...

My sister started a new job - yeah Katie! My dad scheduled hip replacement surgeryfor the week before Christmas. My mom started radiation. Griffin had his tonsils and adenoids removed and is no longer snoring - yippee!  My sister-in-law lost her dear sweet grandmother. And I have finished 7 of 8 chemo cycles. 

I love chemo!

I love chemo because it is helping me fight the good fight. A fight which I cannot do alone. 

I love chemo because it is going to give me a much better chance at seeing all my kiddos grow up. 

I love chemo because it will give me a much better chance of learning more about my husband and loving him more.

I love chemo because it will give me a better chance of raising my children with my husband so that he doesn't go completely insane ;)

I love chemo because it has taught me some important lessons.  Like how much I can endure and how impatient I am when I don't feel well. It has also taught me the importance of a "Village" - and how lucky I am to have such a wonderful support system. 

I love chemo - but I DO NOT like chemo!! Or at least the side effects of chemo...

Actually, I have to say that losing my hair hasn't bothered me at all. I know it is very upsetting to most people but I have actually found it kind of interesting. 

The first 4 rounds of chemo  - the AC rounds weren't much fun. Honestly, I hate feeling like I'm hungover all the time and I HATE feeling nauseous. I have to admit feeling like that makes me wimpy and whiney. 

This second 4 rounds are a drug called Taxol (Paclitaxil). I just completed round 3 and I'm starting to get really frustrated with this nonsense. In the first two rounds I experienced a lot of joint and muscle pain. No fun but I can deal with pain better then sick. So far with the 3rd round I am itching to the point of feeling a bit crazy and I can't find anything that helps ;( I think I prefer the pain which should start in another day or two. 

Then there are the two super annoying side effects - the first is the insomnia. I don't understand how you can be totally and completely exhausted and not be able to sleep (although, right now, I'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with the crazy itching.) Of course being a narcoleptic who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat anywhere, any time - I'm sure makes it harder to comprehend. 

The second is something I did not know - the treatments for breast, ovarian, and prostate cancer tend to cause weight gain instead of loss. It has to do with the effects on your hormones or something (and the decrease in activity certainly isn't helping).  I am a bit overweight to begin with so this is just adding insult to injury. 

So I am a little cranky this morning. Considering that it is 4:30 a.m. And I have been awake since midnight - and itching like crazy - I suppose I'm entitled. 

The good news is only one more chemo to go. Yippee! Yeah! Woo Hoo! And that is where I will try to focus my energy. Right?!

No News Is Good News?

Hi everybody!  Yeah we have been flying under the radar.  I guess maybe that's a good thing though. As of Friday Heather has completed 6 of her 8 chemo treatments so we are definitely headed in the right direction.

Round 5 and 6 of chemo switched from the Red Devil to Taxol.  Less nausea but increased fatigue and generalized pain.  The Neulasta shot Heather receives the day after chemo to boost her white cell counts also tends to bring on headaches approximately a week after administration.

We continue to receive so much support through cards, care packages, emails, calls, and visits from friends and family alike.  The meals and assistance with watching the kids on chemo Sundays so that Heather and I can rest and rejuvinate have been appreciated beyond measure.  Thank you all.

We love having visitors and appreciate the time you can spend with us.  Heather's Dad came and stayed with her over two weekends ago while I had Dad's weekend with Micaela at Ohio University.  Griffin was 5 days post tonsilectomy/adenoidectomy so Tom's assistance was greatly appreciated.

It has been so great to go out in public with Heather because she is not self conscious about her good ol' bald head.  I think she looks absolutely beautiful and she has been told by several random strangers that she has a glorious bald head.  She gets some looks but she owns it and I adore that about her.  

So a couple more rounds of chemo to go then raditation will likely begin just after the first of the year.  Heather expects to return after the end of chemo and is really looking forward to it.  Children's Hospital and Heather's management team have been absolutely wonderful during this time as have her co-workers at the hospital.  We are lucky to have this kind of support.  Life Enriching Communities has been very good to me as well with a flexible work schedule and support in many different ways.  I am fortunate to have a job that I can manage pretty well "on the go" with my iPad and/or phone.

Well...that's it for now.  Like I said maybe no news from us is good news.  The really good news is that we are loved and supported by so many and for that we thank you so very much.  XXXXOOOO