I feel awful. After years of studying human behavior and becoming a Social Worker you would have thought by now that, even though I left the profession in 1998, I might have a better handle on the emapthetic approach to understanding my wife, her disease process, and the tremendous struggle she is going through both emotionally and physiclly right now. Boy have I been wrong.
I have been blinded so much by optimism that I have not let myself experience the here and now which would bring me to the realization that Heather has been under so much pressure to coordinate the boys' 5th birthday (12/23), do all the planning and purchasing for Christmas, not just for our immediate family but for everyone in our family as a whole, all the while feeling like absolute shit and not trying to impose that burden on anyone else. (Me)
Heather is at her lowest of lows right now physically and emotionally. The good thing is that we know it will only get better from here as the chemo effects wear off, she starts feeling better, and heads back to work on 12/30! None of this diminishes the fact that she does not want this to be the season of Heather's cancer. So she has been trying so very hard to make this the perfect 5th birthday for the boys, and the best Christmas for the kids, and I have totally missed the boat.
I have been approaching the birthday and Christmas very leisurely and figured it would be a "take it as it goes" thing. Wrongo! It is so much more than that and I realized that today. Heather is exhausted. she has been stressing about making these events "normal" and I didn't get it.
We were able to pull off the boys' birthday, though an evening early, since we were lucky enough to have Micaela and Jackie here with us. Micaela made the boys a cake then she and Jackie took all three kids to see Despicable Me 2 while I put bikes together. When the kids got home the bikes were waiting. The boys were thrilled and even though we had two different bikes they talked to each other joyfully and actually traded bikes so they were both very happy. That's good parenting right there and I am so thankful that we had the opportunity to have that moment of pure joy and brotherly love.
The kids went out and rode their bikes then we had dinner, had cake, and watched a movie. (Elf...of course!) Then it was off to bed for the kids. Heather went to bed soon after that. She really does feel awful.
Christmas will be great. I have no doubt. Heather has worked hard through her crappiness to make sure everyone is happy and I know they will be. I will be mindful of that when I see the happy faces as we celebrate Christmas and know that it is so because of Heather and her perserverance over the last several weeks to make this holiday as joyous and normal as possible.
My point to all of this is that I have only really been taking care of the daily grind. Heather early on called me her knight. Unfortunately I believe that I fell off of my horse early and have allowed myself to be dragged along with one foot in the stirrup....always a few steps behind emotionally. The bumpy ride (drag) has made me wisen up and as we approach radiation and reconstruction over the next several months I vow to climb back up on that damn horse and give Heather the full support that she needs in the here and now. Today. Everyday. I can not even begin to comprehend what she is going through as an individual, a wife, daughter, and mother. I wish I could but I can't but I will try my best from this day forward to do just that. Better late than never.
I am so thankful that Heather has so many friends that have been supporting her through this journey. I can't thank you enough for providing her with the love and support that you have given her despite your busy lives. We are truly blessed.
Heather is an amazing woman. I knew that the day that I met her in February of 2003 and I knew I couldn't let her get away. She can't get rid of me now so we will be riding off on that horse into the sunset together! Yes...cheesy I know but that is the role of the jester. Thank you and....good knight!
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