Lose the Tatas, Save the girl...

Someone asked me recently if I had read anything to help me prepare for the loss of my breasts. I have to admit that I haven't really read anything but I have thought about it a lot. My breasts do make up a BIG part of my physical appearance but they do not define me. 

I AM the browned haired girl with cameleon eyes - blue/green/gray with golden stars, and more importantly the girl with her mother's smile. My definition includes a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I am an information gatherer and provider. I am a caretaker. I am not my boobs - although I can certainly act like one at times.

And now I am a warrior - ready to head into battle and do what it takes to succeed. For my children, my husband, my parents, my siblings, and my friends because they are, what matters most. So forget the Tatas - let's save the girl with the chameleon eyes and her mother's smile.

Wow!!!

I am pretty sure we have the best family and friends in the world.  Ok...North America.  We have so many people that have changed their profile pictures to pink ribbons, sent well wishes via all sorts of media, mail, deliveries, coming to stay with us, etc.

The book club has established a site for us that helps coordinate needed activities/events for us ( https://mycancercircle.lotsahelpinghands.com/c/705710/ ).  If you have any difficulty connecting please let me know.

Everyone has been so kind and the concern is genuine and overwhelming and we haven't even had the surgery yet! All offers of assistance have been, and will be, greatly appreciated and we will do our best to thank you now, at the time, and afterward because we are so grateful for the love of all.

We are staying strong and positive thanks to all of you!  Trying to keep you abreast of things.....Mark

Is Mercury in Retrograde?!?!

One  of the side effects of my diagnoses is that some of those near and dear have been spurred to get some of those check ups they have been putting off.  One of those people is my mother. After I was diagnosed she decided she should probably schedule a mammogram. And guess what....  She has breast cancer. All I can say right now is what the FURK!!?! I'm a little ticked right now with no one to channel it towards!

Reminder to self - everything is going to be fine!  Just a bump in the road (or mt. Trashmore).

She doesn't have full pathology yet but they are saying stage 0 or maybe 1 and its a slow grower (stage 1).

So I guess my fam could use a few extra prayers and such....

Caring for Yourself: Advice for Cancer Caregivers

This is something I am very familiar with as a Social Worker in my past life.  I used to provide this type of guidance to caregivers all the time.  It is still difficult for me to follow this advice because it is so engrained in me professionally/intellectually but I'm trying!

From the Stand Up To Cancer blog

Caring for Yourself: Advice for Cancer Caregivers

Posted on July 12, 2013, 6:30 AM

By Paul H. Brenner, M.D., Ph.D.

There are few harder tasks than being a caregiver for a loved one going through the journey of cancer. Caregivers are patient advocates. They take notes during office visits, remind those they love to ask specific questions about symptoms they are experiencing, and prepare their own lists of questions for both physicians and nurses.

As a family member or friend taking on a new role, caregiving can take individuals completely out of themselves, their routine, and their life in unconditional service to another. Since patient care can be overwhelming, it is essential for the caregivers to take care of themselves, set goals, exercise, and most importantly, be honest about their feelings of helplessness, frustration, exhaustion and often anger.

There are many potential sources of negative feelings for caregivers. Seeing a loved one suffer a serious disease is painful for everyone, and can be exacerbated by worries about finances and the future. Additionally, the individuals who have cancer tend to feel disempowered by those who are dedicated to helping them. So, ironically what you perceive as a loving act can be interpreted by the patient as disempowerment. In my experience as a psychosocial oncologist, the anger that most caregivers feel is directed toward medicine for its failure to alleviate the pain and suffering of their loved ones. The caregivers often find themselves desperately glued to the Internet researching the latest treatments, procedures, and natural therapies, getting overwhelmed by it all. 

It’s important to find healthy ways of taking care of yourself as a caregiver. Start by acknowledging, rather than denying, your feelings. You don’t have to pretend to be cheerful, even when you are feeling overwhelmed. It’s okay to cry. Don’t be afraid of making mistakes. And don’t expect to be perfect – no one is.

There are simple things you can do to make your life easier. Much of the caregiver’s frustration can be resolved by staying away from the Internet, which is filled with anecdotal tails of cures and complications. Medicine is not a pure science and cannot, as a result, offer absolutes solutions for all problems. But today’s medicine is the best we have presently, and is closer to cancer cures then ever before.

Rather than trying to tackle everything, focus on tasks you can control. It could be scheduling doctor visits, helping with meals and errands, and so on. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Many of us feel that we need to “do it all.” Ask friends and family to help with chores, appointments, and so on. You may need assistance with the emotional challenges of caregiving, too. Try talking with your inner circle of support: loved ones, faith groups, or social circles. Or go beyond your inner circle to join a caregiver support group, or speak with a counselor, social worker, psychologist or other mental health professional. Each of these people may be able to help you talk about things that you don’t feel you can talk about with your loved ones.

So dear caregiver, be kind to yourself and treat yourself as lovingly as those you love. Find time and space for yourself. This allows the person who is ill to feel better and less guilty for consuming your life and for the suffering they feel they have caused you. To paraphrase the Serenity Prayer, change those things in life that you can, and have the wisdom to accept those things you cannot. Caregiving is a love beyond love that has no beginning or end, so cherish yourself with the identical love that your have for your beloved.

Paul Brenner M.D., PhD. was a gynecological oncologist who practiced obstetrics and gynecology, and also holds a Doctorate in Counseling Psychology. His journey through the healing arts has been in search of those unseen processes that play into chronic illness. He presently is the Psychosocial Oncologist at the UCSD Health Systems San Diego Cancer Center. Also, he is a Research Fellow at The San Diego Cancer Research Institute. He is involved in studying the impact of Trans-Generational Emotional Patterns on Health and Illness. He is the author of “Seeing your Life Through New Eyes” and “Buddha in the Waiting Room.”  He also has lectured throughout the world.

1 in 8

For someone who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, I feel surprisingly Ok. I don't just mean physically but mentally/emotionally as well. Many people are a bit taken aback or look skeptical - but I really am doing ok.

I think that working in a cancer program (albeit pediatric and I work in finance) has helped. The knowledge I've gained working in this environment has provided a sort of comfort. I know what things mean, I know what to expect. But I also think that I am relieved that it is me.

1 in 8 woman will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime. That seems like a lot...

There are 7 women in my book club - so it's me. There are 9 women in my immediate family - so it's me. I am grateful that its not them. Why?  Because I know how to deal with me. I know what I need to do, I have some semblance of control over me, I don't worry about me - but I do worry about everyone else.

Or maybe I'm just foolin' myself!

H gearing up to beat this thing

Wrong character but she keeps saying "I pity the fool..."

As Tom Petty says:

The waiting is the hardest part.  Well...at least at this point.  Heather asked me last night how I was doing.  I said that I am eager for the 24th to get here but before we know it the 24th will be here and it will have arrived too quickly.  Heather acknowledged that statement and then said that she is not really putting a lot of significance on that date.

I applaud her for that but I am having difficulty reconciling that.  

I worry about being prepared...both of us.....for the surgery, the physical after effects, and the rebuilding and recovery process.

When I say the physical after effects I mean the impending painfulness not that fact that she will no longer have her own breasts.  I think she is pretty good with that and I am totally on board as well. She has always been and will always be beautiful.

I worry about getting the test results on the lymph nodes they will remove during the mastectomy.  If there is even an inkling that the cancer has spread Heather will need to go through chemo and I don't want that for her.

I tend to care more about others than I do myself at times like these and right now I am experiencing anticipatory stress about my wife's health and well being.  Not that there is anything I can do about it until the 24th but I am having trouble not anticipating it all.

I am so happy that we will celebrate Heather's birthday tomorrow and that we get to go to Bunbury next weekend together as planned.  I am being very selfish here but  I am happy that the double mastectomy and possible chemo will allow me the opportunity to celebrate many more birthdays with my beautiful bride.  I love her and want to spend as much time together as possible considering the fact that we got a late start together.  :)

Always keeping you abreast of my thoughts; Mark