That was my original first line. I have to say that it is now 3:00 in the morning and I am in Philadelphia for work purposes. I seriously just wrote an incredibly detailed and thought provoking blog entry that actually made me tear up when I proof read it but, due to bladder issues, i put my iPad down for 1 minute and 48 seconds. I came back and my blog post was gone. I will try to re-create the post in a shorter amount of time because I have to get up in 3 hours and spend the day analyzing/assessing a program to determine if it is a viable option for our organization. Dammit! What I will try to re-create will not be nearly as heartwrenching and direct as what I wrote over the last 2 hours. Par for the fucking course I guess.
Heather finished her chemo on Dec 16th. Thank God that is over. What? It's not? No. Apparently not.
The Oncologist informed us that the full body pain, lethargy, hormonal changes, etc. are going to last 8-9 more months? Seriously? I thought we were done with this shit!
Nope.
Heather has her radiation simulation today (1/15) at 2 pm. This is a CAT scan that will help determine the direction that the radiation beams will need to follow for 30 treatments into the arm, breast, chest cavity, and neck to make certain that all cancer cells are eradicated in case the chemo didn't get them all.
"Fortunately" Heather's heart is positioned such that the radiation will only effect/scar the top left section of her heart. She has always told me that she loves me with all of her heart and I hope to God this is true (I know it is) because if for some reason she only loves me with the top left portion of her heart I am screwed.
One positive is that Heather can receive her radiation treatments during the day. She can go to her appointments which should last just a few minutes while she is at work since the radiation will be done within a stone's throw from her work.
Heather is lucky enough to have a Manager; Mark and a Director; Sue who are understanding and loving enough to give Heather the flexibility she needs to receive her raditation treatments during her working hours.
Heather and I need a break. Really. After the radiation treatments she will continue to bake for several weeks. Once the baking/microwave effect has run it's course Heather will undergo a series of surgeries to rebuild her left breast. (As you may recall the left breast reconstruction she had at the time of her mastectomy in July failed over the Labor Day weekend which creates the need for additional reconstruction surgery.)
The reconstruction process will start with surgery that will remove muscle and skin from her back to create the proper covering for her left breast. More info about the procedure can be found here: http://www.breastreconstruction.org/TypesOfReconstruction/dorsi_flap.html
Epiphany
I, like most people, figured that chemo was the worst part of the cancer process and that after the chemo treatments it was smooth sailing. Let's see. 8-9 more months of chemo residuals; full body pain, lethargy, hormonal changes, etc., plus 30 days of radiation that causes fatigue/lethargy, plus a pre-condition diagnoses of Idiopathic Hypersomnolence, (a form of narcolepsy), plus going back to work, plus having to deal with three energetic kids and a stressed out husband.....Heather is on the fast track to insanity! We all are.
Our goal is to take a much needed break between the radiation and the reconstruction process. The proposed timeframe aligns perfectly with our 8th anniversary. (April Fool's Day for those who may not know or recall).
We hope to take a long weekend and treat ourselves to an all inclusive resort in Mexico, take a cruise, something, anything, to give us some time to "get away from it all" and spend time getting back to the loving couple we have put on the back burner for the last 6-7 months. Of course this takes coordination and effort. We will need asssistance with the kids and dogs during that time.
We have received a tremendous amount of support both physically and spiritually up to this point. Please continue the journey with us. It really ain't over until it is over. The chemo residuals, raditation joys, the reconstruction process, and the five years and clear timeframe hang heavy on us each and every day.
We are trying very hard to NOT make this the year (+) of Heather's cancer but we can't deny it either. Our perspective on life has changed significantly...for the better I think....but it does not necessarily make things easier for us.
I am not very good about asking for help. If I was the blog post would have been much short her and something like this:
Cancer is ever present in our lives. We are controlling the cancer to the best of our ability through modern medicine and spiritual support this making it a less powerful and burdensome part of our lives but it remains a concern and will for many years to come. We appreciate any continued support; physically through assistance with day to day things like meals and helping with the kids, and spiritually through prayer and ongoing emotional support. None outweigh the other. We appreciate it all.
It is now 4:17 a.m. 2 hours until wake up. I'm tired. Must sleep. I miss my wife and kids. I love and appreciate you all. Thanks for listening and for your ongoing support in whatever form that occurs.
#fuckcancer
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