Reality Check!

First I'd like to say that during this process I have always thought - "We'll, why not me?"  I feel like I have had a pretty good life up to this point. Not to say there has never been drama or chaos but really if we didn't have those things would we be normal? I have never felt like this cancer wasn't fair to me - not that I've been wretched and deserve it - but I won't claim to be a saint either. Just that I don't feel like there is anything so different or special about me that I should be exempt from some major life battle.

It probably helps that I come from a long family line of dealing with some very trying and difficult health issues if not out of the ordinary. I have a strong and beautiful warrior cousin who was diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis at a very young age, I have an adorable niece with Neurofibromatosis (NF), I have an aunt with MS, and so on...  So who am I to ask " Why me?"

So that brings me to this week. A very sweet co-worker sent me a book written by a local woman who had breast cancer. It was a quick read and I found some humor and insight in the book but it also got me to start asking questions again. I have admittedly given up googling anything regarding my cancer since the end of June.

I decided to look up some information on the chemo treatment I will be starting this week. The first of my chemo drugs is what they call AC (because the actual names are impossible to say in healthcare we frequently use acronyms). I started by reading a site that was just a forum for women talking about their side effects,etc. Nothing too surprising popped up there.

Then I found a site called Health Central which had some more objective information in it and was actually discussing my full chemo regime which is AC and then Taxol (I won't get too scientific here but will put a little blurb at the end for those who are interested). But I will say that AC is frequently referred to as The Red Devil.

The site is set up as a Q&A type forum and I was reading through finding all kinds of useful information and then I came across a paragraph that knocked the wind out of me.
It talked about how a patient may be put on an accelerated schedule which is referred to as "dose dense" chemo. This is considered a more aggressive way to deliver chemo "when aggressive measures are necessary."

With that last part of the sentence I started to lose my supercharged optimism. I sat on the couch saying over and over that it was just because I'm so young not because its that bad. And then I started to cry. Luckily my brave knight was nearby and could come and hold me and remind me that we can do this, that I can fight this good fight.

Reality is that it isn't great, but it is far from a losing battle. But I have come to realize that it is going to be a lot harder then I have been admitting to myself so far. That I am going to need to rely on my troops even more then ever to help me stay focused and positive. That because it is "dose dense" that I'm probably not going to recover as quickly between treatments as I want to think.

I am worried for my family and how hard this will be on them. I hope that for my kids this will become a blurry memory someday. But the anxiety and exhaustion that is my husband's plight is hard - it's just hard. He is being very strong but its hard for him to hide his true feelings from the one who reads him best. So I worry.

So this is my reality check. And this is my plea to my troops and my guardian angels and my bad ass cancer fighting team. Please forgive me for my excessive need. Please know that I see you and hear you and feel you when you do me a favor, send me a note, or even pray or send your positivity my way. I appreciate every gesture no matter the size and I thank you. There will be many more requests to come - especially around entertaining the kids. So thank you all from the very depths of my heart and soul. 

For those that are I interested in the medical details...
AC - is actually two drugs: doxorubicin (Adriamycin), and cyclophosphamide (Cytoxan). I will receive The Red Devil every 14 days for 4 cycles. It is normally given every 21 days.  Once that is complete I will be given Paclitaxil (Taxol). This is given to woman who are node positive or have had a recurrence. It follows the same schedule as AC. Radiation details to follow later.
This is a pretty heavy duty cocktail normally so I will be loosing my hair within the first month. So I've tasked Mark with coming up with my cool new bad ass bald chick name. Feel free to offer suggestions he is great with brainstorming.

Tata faux now,
Love you all💕💕
Heather